Growing up in Sweden, the magical and mystical journey began at an early age. I felt very strongly to find out “why does a person have to believe in God to know him?” Shouldn’t that be available for everyone whether you have a religion or not?
The passion, from my heart since then, has been to know that which we call God. In our country, people are not so interested in organized religion because it usually just start conflicts and disorder with so many rules to follow. Every night I would pray talking to God saying, “It’s all messed up because people don’t seem to care or know about you God, we gotta do some thing about it. People don’t seem to be happy.”
At night I was often pulled out into different levels of consciousness. I thought it was a natural thing for everyone to experience. As I fell asleep after the prayer (I did the kneeling down thing at the bed – traditional praying style! Calluses on the knees started! Still got those calluses), I would hear these inner sounds and I followed them into an expanded consciousenss. I was as big as the whole Universe and at the same time as dense as the smallest particle in the body. It was an ecstatic experience! I remember just falling into this every night, holding on to my little babyblue pyjamas between my thumb and index finger. I actually thought this whole journey had something to do with the pajaymas at the time! So I held on to it like a mudra between my index finger and thumb and off I went into the inner sounds!
The prayers and passionate searching for God continued and as the family moved to Helsingborg, south in Sweden, I went into “confirmation” in Church, thinking NOW I will get all my answers! Unfortunately, I had developed an incredible shyness and was very afraid to speak and blushed if someone looked at me. It developed into a very difficult situation where I no longer wanted to live. I felt I was in prison in my own shyness, I could not express my self with the voice and the heart could, I could only think and feel these things. Just my mere existence became a suffering so unbearable I didn’t know how to cope. I planned escape routes everyday to end my life, but didn’t want to make God disappointed, because somehow I figured He would be. Also I loved my parents so much, and I knew they would be terribly hurt. So I had to figure out a way to exist.
The only thing I had these very difficult years, from age 11–18 were prayers. I made deals with God, if He could only put me into safety at night as I go to sleep then I would manage the day somehow. Jesus then would always come and put like a golden egg of light around me and I felt totally safe and loved. But then there was always a morning…
This feeling however kept increasing during the day and I came to resist this life so much I hated everything about it. I loved my family very much and felt always loved by them, but life simply wasn’t working out for me. I was teased in school for being so shy, which made it even worse. They called me the tomato, since I blushed if someone just looked at me. I was helplessly in love with a boy for many years, that I just could never talk to because of my shyness. Finally I had to just leave. Maybe if I leave Helsingborg things will change. Just getting away from this windy cold city – anywhere!
So the journey in life took me to south of Los Angeles, where I by strange circumstances I got a job in Hollywood at ABC Television and Paramount Pictures. In the Hollywood movies they all seem so happy – so I thought maybe I will find Happiness here! But these years in Hollywood only pushed my searching for a permanent connection to the Divine even deeper. As I came to realize, the Hollywood world carries a lot of surface interactions and I felt out of place and longed for depth in my life.
Los Angeles is also like the Mecca for New Age, so I went about, began searching to find my truth there. I found many fantastic courses, lectures and books of spirituality in Los Angeles, but the strongest experience was when I found Siddha Yoga and learned the art of chanting. That is when the heart received an opening for the first time. I also learned meditation from here and loved meditating 45 min every morning. However, the rest of the day was still filled with anxiety. I thought it could be the other way around. I thought there must be a class called “meditation in action”, but there was none. I was looking for permanent peace without having to recline into a cave meditating all day.
The big shift didn’t happen until 2002 when I went for a lecture by an atheist who had found peace in India. He said you could have any faith or belief, true peace is about your own experience. He was a simple farmer and not a spiritual seeker, and on top of that he did not believe in any God, he believed in nature and life all around. He had come back from India with a warmth in his heart that he referred to as his “Antaryamin”, a sanskrit word that means “the indweller”. He explained that it was a connection, a Presence within him that carried greater wisdom and could help in various situations.
It was at this lecture a big breakthrough happened. The man gave something called an “experience healing”, saying: ”you will get the kind of experience you need.” As he placed his hands on my head I got to experience something I never had before, a Presence of Intelligence, of Love and Seeing came. I knew with every cell in my body – this this was what I had been longing to find! To be fully seen inside. This Presence moved through all my chakras, I was able to see what was there. I was suprised at my reaction – this was something I had been looking for all my life – and the man on the lecture had been talking about gratitude, however, I was filled with rage, with anxiety, a dryness from looking year after year. I could feel the fatigue and sorrow well up inside me and then came guilt and shame (for having such feelings in this Presence!)
Then something happened that change my life 180 degrees. This Presence took a voice and it said very loud: “Don’t be afraid to face your inner suffering!” In the Presence of this Divine Intelligence that appeared, I embraced all suffering that was there within me. And the most extraordinary thing happened – the energy of the ugliness changed and flooded throughout my whole body as Bliss – waves of Bliss pulsated warmly throughout my whole body from the crown of my head to the feet. And at the same time, I experienced certain points on my cranium being pressured hard.
Overwhelmed, I somehow managed to go home after the experience diminished some. I remember searching the Internet after this phenomenon he had been sharing. However, at this time of 2002, there was nothing about it. All I had was this farmer who was going to hold a course in Helsingborg a week later.
I then learned from this man two important lessons. “There are only two things you need: 1. Start relating to your Antaryamin, the one that dwells within. 2. (I almost fell off the chair…) Don’t be afraid to meet your inner suffering.”
This is what the inner voice had said the week earlier on the lecture!
I knew this was it then! So I completely relaxed for maybe the first time in my life.
A period of 1.5 years followed with intense staying with “what is”, and developing a very strong bond with my Antaryamin. An amazing inner doorway had opened up and extraordinary experiences followed. Miracles happened everyday, growth and learning were a natural occurance and healing of hurts in relationships was a happening.
In August 2003, I was given the chance to go down to Oneness University for a course called “Samskara Shuddhi” where we received help in meeting our inner suffering. I was elated to go – first time to India! I was there 10 days and it was like stepping into a whirlwind – Grace was all around – and it was easy to just meet whatever was going on. Brain and heart were syncronized and in tune with the process and there was an inner enthusiasm to meet whatever came up inside.
Toward the end of this stay I got to meet Sri Bhagavan in person in a Darshan, where we went in a whole group to see him. Bhagavan had then been in silence for 3 months and this was first time he had spoken since then. He said: “Humanity has prepared itself for a long time, for a shift in consciousness to take place around 2012, and we at the Oneness University will contribute in this process with giving a “Deeksha”. You are all welcome to come! We’ll give it in two days!”
I had never heard the word Deeksha and Bhagavan explained more about it. “It can open different doors of consciousness for you. It will act differently for each of you – could be as a healing, or an elevated state of consiousness. It will ultimately bring you into Awakening or Enlightenment.”
Receiving the Deeksha I experienced the same phenomenon as on the lecture a year and a half earlier. However, this time it was much stronger. It was like a golden liquid ball of light was placed inside my head that expanded as it enetered. It moved down to my throat where it expanded then moved to all the chakras. And by this time I was so used to just seeing what is there together with the Presence, there was no resistance.
The golden ball of liquid light was nourising and healing and landed inside my stomach giving full nourishment and fulfillment, completely filling a darkness inside me. There was Bliss all through the body. Even though it was great chaos outside, people and music and noise, the inner stillness would not leave.
After I got home I noticed there was an area in my head, in the middle of my head, where there was like radio waves of peace flowing out – no matter what happened around me or inside – if there were thoughts or no thoughts, if there was chaos or peace around – didn’t matter. A shift had taken place! Everything was experienced very differently from before. There were electrical charges going up and down the spine. I spend most of my days in the beginning just laying on the carpet going into deep states of expansion and undescribable states of consciousness. I also felt a deep connection to everyone and everything around. It felt like I had fallen in love with the whole world!
From that day, there has been a Presence inside I call Antaryamin, or my Inner Divine, that no matter what happens in life – it just won’t leave. It is a Presence I talk to and communicate with every day – like an inner best friend. It is a unfied field of consciousness that carries a deeper Wisdom and capacity to Love and is connected to all of life. It is Presence everyone has and you can relate to it in the way that is closest to your Nature. It doesn’t matter if you are a Christian, Muslim, Hindu or Atheist – this Presence is for One and All. I welcome you to explore this Presence within you and hope to be an inspiration on your Journey to Awakening into the One.
Anettes first book has been translated into English, Italian and Finnish languages. Her second book will be available in English in eBook format soon.